how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
