I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
