I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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