If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
