Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
