I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
