If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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