If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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