I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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