there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
