FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
we're so committed to being not committed
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
