I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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