butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
accomplished twins. life is a go
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize