So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
