I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
