dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
