Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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