just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
pop tarts are not kleenex
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
