3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize