I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
