You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
