i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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