Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
