We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
40s are totally the cure
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
