I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
