Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You can't special order awesome
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
