Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
