from now on my penis is your penis
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
