I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize