No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
