Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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