I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
