I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
