just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
When are your genitals available?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
