It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
