I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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