i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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