This is not my ceiling
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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