I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
