with your own penis?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
