dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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