My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
