I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
