And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
