You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
