The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
