Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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