I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
