Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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