I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
