We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
