I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize