when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My vagina is officially offended.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
