Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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