I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize