Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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