I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
