Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
