remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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