in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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