Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
