i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Randomize
