My Higher Power is John Stamos
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
