I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
