he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I forget how to act sober
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
