Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
